Sadness and Thanksgiving

I am glad that Thanksgiving is over. How sad is that? I don't think I have ever said that. I miss Andy terribly. And holidays are just the worst. So far he has missed Jordans 16th b. day and now Thanksgiving. There are a slew more of holidays to come while he is gone. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. Ever. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I should be thankful that he calls every few days. he only gets to talk for 30 minutes, which flies by. And I fight back tears the whole time. When I hear his voice, I just want to see him, to touch him, to have him hold me. When I write letters or emails I just want to pour out my heart. I want to cry, scream, take out all my anger about this stupid stupid war. Its not fair. Its not fair that my husband is in a war zone for what reason? I can't find a reason for it. Is he protecting our freedom? I don't think so. My kids didn't ask for this life. They weren't asked if they wanted to be seperated from their father for nearly a year. We made this decision to join the Navy. Not thinking he would be in a war zone. Believing that he would only be on ships and only for at most 6 months at a time. Money is not everything. Benefits are not everything. How many people are lieing on their death bed and say, oh i wish i had made more money? No, they say they wish they had made more time for their kids or spent more one on one time w/ their spouse.
I just want to be with him. This is not how things are meant to be.

The Last Supper

Tonight is my last supper before my weightloss surgery journey begins. Tomorrow I start an all liquid diet, yayayyyyyy! Im excited and a little nervous. This is the beginning of the new me. I watched Ruby today and it made me sad...I can relate to her not wanting to let go of the old Ruby. I have been fat for a very long time and its who I am, its my protection sometimes from the outside world. I know I have to do this to save my life.

No exercising this week

So this week I am teaching Vacation Bible School. It has been fun, stressful & tiring. Thank God for the playground at church. It was sooo wonderful to let the kids just run and play, not worry about them hurting each other. It was like a peaceful refuge. I am so completely drained by the time I get home, I could sleep standing up. So, I am not exercising any this week. I just can't find the energy to do anything when I get home. I think I am still doing good with my weight though. My pants are super baggy. My scale says 220, but I don't trust it. I want to believe it really...but its always different than the one at the docs office.
Andy told me today that he will prolly be deploying next April. I know it has to happen. Its so easy to say I will be fine, but when he leaves...I lose it for some reason. Like I can't function. I am going to plan better this next time. Have a list of things to do to stay busy. Fear & worry are a sin afterall. If I have to put sticky notes all over my house with scripture on them, that IS what I will do to get through it.

I won't make apologies

I have found that alot of people support my decision to have WLS. Maybe they would never have it themselves, but they are still positive and encouraging to me. Thank God for those people. I don't take rejection well or people who think they are always right and don't hesitate to tell you. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. But if you really love and care about someone I think you should be an encouragement to them. Its funny to me that people who have made their mind up not to have WLS seem to be the most informed. Not the doctors, not the specialists...nope all that is apparently hogwash to some. THEY are the ones who know it all. The doctors are lieing when they tell you that you have a higher risk of dieing in a plane crash than dieing from WLS, the doctors are lieing when they tell you that you are in the overly obese catagory...I could go on and on. Some say doctors are in it to make money, that is not the case where I am concerned. My doctor is not a civilian, he gets paid a lump sum no matter how many surgeries he does. And he is a surgeon who specializes in WLS and does other kinds of surgery. So this is not a money racket for him.
Isn't it strange how the same people who would tell you WLS is bad and you shouldn't have it..or not support you are the same people who think its perfectly fine for a woman to have an abortion. Why is that? Its my body...right? And its not even close to murdering an innocent life.
I will not apologize for having WLS. I have worked very very hard to research this, go to support group meetings since last year, meet with specialists, and follow the directions of my surgeon.
I wish people would support my decision. It hurts when some people who are close to you can't be encouraging, only hurtful about the whole topic.

Running out of steam

I think it finally hit me today...all of my working out the past 2 weeks and lack of caffiene is making me so run down. I think I couldve fallen asleep at a disco. I am getting lots of encouragement from hubby and my kids though. I have a doctors appointment every day next week, plus the kids are starting up karate again and I am getting ready for Vacation Bible School.
I just think Im tired today...right?

The busy life of a fat girl

Whoever reads my blog must know that I refer to myself as the fat girl...with love and affection, not to demean myself or anyone else.
Ok, that being said I have a slew of doctors appointments over the next few weeks. Some are in preparation for my surgery and some are to rule out some nerve damage that I may have and/or lasting effects of lyme disease. I told hubby that he may not see me much with all of my appointments. We live out in the boonies and so when I go "to town" its like it takes over an hour of driving time and I usually make the most of my trips. I will go by the library, the video store, grocery store, etc. I love being out in the country but being so far away from everything can stink sometimes.
I am doing good with my workouts. Dr. B said that I need to work up to 45 minutes per day. Currently I am at 30 minutes a day. I have been doing Sweatin to the Oldies and alternating it with Wii fit. But today I went to the gym and rode the bike for 30 minutes...whew. I was feeling it.

Good News/Bad News

Its been a while since I have come back to blog. I should more often, it sooo helps just to get things out. On the bright side, I FINALLY got the call for my appointment with the weight loss surgeon! I went a few weeks ago and had perma-smile on my face the entire time. I think they could have said they needed all my blood and I would have just shook my head smiling like a big dummy. I like my doctor, he seems really nice. Now I am just waiting until the first part of June to get my psych evaluation done and my nutrition appointment done. Then I can call and meet with the doctor one more time and have my surgery scheduled. woot! He said that I have to start giving up caffiene, carbonated drinks and fried foods. I have been doing great for 2 weeks! And I have started exercising every day. (((thank you Richard Simmons)))

Onto the bad news....hubby called tonight from work and said that his boss told him to be prepared for a possible deployment around September. gaaahhhhhh! I want to scream. I want to pull someones hair. I want to punch something. I love Navy life....all is good when he is home. But when he's gone I feel like my heart is just constantly hurting. We have been married 18 years and I feel like I am a newly wed most of the time. I love him...I adore him, he is my best friend. I pray for patience and not to give in to anxiety and fear.

Bein fat stinks

I wish the waiting list number would change already on the stupid website already. I know I know, the ONE girl who does scheduling for surgery has been on leave. Well, its been a freaking month already...when is she coming back??? I am so tired of being tired, not able to exercise, not able to even put a pair of tennis shoes on, not being able to get out of my huge bathtub without pulling something in my back. I just want to feel good again. Is that too much to ask? (insert violin music). I am tired of taking 7 pills in the morning and another 5 at night. Gagging and almost throwing them up. Niiiiccce, right?
On top of all this, I really really wannnnttttt my hubby home. I miss him so much, and our children have been bratty since he left. You know they were angels before, right? I guess Im just blaming it on him being gone, cause he is the toughy parent and Im the wimpy parent. Tonight Dalton tells me he needs crutches, and then asks our neighbors who cooked for us if they have any he can borrow...ummm no. The last deployment we went through a billion years ago, I would sit and eat boxes of little debbies. no kidding. thats prolly how i got so fat. nahhh I will blame that on having babies.
Oh I need to go to bed and get off my whiney horse.