Do you make time for the negative?

I have never been one to have a boat load of friends. I usually have 1 or 2 close friends. I don't trust easily and well....truth be known, I like to have friends that are similar to myself. It makes life easier to have the same interests and some things in common. Is this snobbery? Not saying I am not friendly to everyone (ok except one person I can think of).
Being in the military, especially living in military housing...you meet people from every single walk of life. Sometimes I think people who live in the civilian world have a jaded view of how people really are. You live in your little house and come and go to work. All seems right in the world. Come visit my world where you find out all sorts of information you wish you never knew about the people down the street. I would honestly rather not know. A little bit of obliviousness (is that a word?) never hurt anyone. Alot...yeah that could hurt someone.
I don't have friends who look for openings to discuss details about their sex life. I don't have friends who call my other friends horrible names (to my face), I don't want friends who do all of this and more in the house of the Lord. For heavens sake. Is it too much to ask for people to put a filter on and think...maybe this comment could hurt someone?
Look, I am alot of crazy myself. Lord knows I have more issues than Time magazine. And maybe I am a little afraid that those who love to gossip about the neighbors might find out about my craziness and spread the word. I don't have to be friends with everyone. I just keep saying that.
I don't want them to think I condone in any way their nasty verbal spewage. And to me, just hanging around them and nodding is condoning.

Its been a while...

One of my closest friends started her own fabulous blog yesterday. And it inspired me to update mine. Its been over a year (i know...bad bad Tina).
My weight loss journey has been a tough road. I won't lie, or sugar coat it. People ask me all the time if I had regrets or if I would have the surgery again. I did have regrets. Mostly when I want to devour a whole pizza and know that I just can't. Or eat left over steak..I love cold steak, but it does NOT love me. I have a new set of medical problems it seems, but they are nothing compared to diabetes and high blood pressure. Especially when I remember that those were the main causes of my dad and brothers death (heart disease too). I still weigh myself every stinking morning when I wake up. I think I do it to keep myself in check. I gained a few pounds during the holidays, but am back exercising now. I started going back to support group meetings. They aren't my favorite thing, but when I leave I feel a world better and just feel encouraged to stay on track.
I still love to bake. I don't think I will ever get past that. And Santa brought me a kitchenaid for Christmas, so I REALLY love to bake now. I continue to follow my rule that the goodies have to be gone within 24 hours. So, I give them away to friends.
Some things I wish I knew before gastric bypass:

1. Your stomach will make all sorts of God awful noises. not cute like "oh tee hee I must be hungry" noises. No...like the scene from Dumb and Dumber where the guy gave the other guy laxatives. ech. I hate that! And it will happen at the most quiet times of your life..church, the doctors office, funerals.
2. Most people don't have dumping syndrome. ie: you will probably be able to eat sugar. as a matter of fact, sugar will slide right through you like dust at a saw mill.
3. Counting calories, protein, carbs, or any other thing in food can actually have a bad outcome. I became obsessed with this for a while after surgery and developed an eating disorder.
4. No matter how much your body doesn't want you to overeat, your mind will still want that food. Surgery does nothing for your thought process about food. (unless you have a lobotomy at the same time) Meaning: if you have any emotional attachment with food...go see a therapist. Like yesterday. If you don't, you will just end up in the same eating patterns. Your stomach eventually stretches out and you can eat regular foods and bigger portions.

Every day is a learning experience for me during this journey. Everyone who goes through this has different experiences. It's about finding what works for you and managing your health. And one of the best feelings in the world is being able to sit on my husbands lap every night and not squish him or have him gasp for air.

Sadness and Thanksgiving

I am glad that Thanksgiving is over. How sad is that? I don't think I have ever said that. I miss Andy terribly. And holidays are just the worst. So far he has missed Jordans 16th b. day and now Thanksgiving. There are a slew more of holidays to come while he is gone. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. Ever. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I should be thankful that he calls every few days. he only gets to talk for 30 minutes, which flies by. And I fight back tears the whole time. When I hear his voice, I just want to see him, to touch him, to have him hold me. When I write letters or emails I just want to pour out my heart. I want to cry, scream, take out all my anger about this stupid stupid war. Its not fair. Its not fair that my husband is in a war zone for what reason? I can't find a reason for it. Is he protecting our freedom? I don't think so. My kids didn't ask for this life. They weren't asked if they wanted to be seperated from their father for nearly a year. We made this decision to join the Navy. Not thinking he would be in a war zone. Believing that he would only be on ships and only for at most 6 months at a time. Money is not everything. Benefits are not everything. How many people are lieing on their death bed and say, oh i wish i had made more money? No, they say they wish they had made more time for their kids or spent more one on one time w/ their spouse.
I just want to be with him. This is not how things are meant to be.

The Last Supper

Tonight is my last supper before my weightloss surgery journey begins. Tomorrow I start an all liquid diet, yayayyyyyy! Im excited and a little nervous. This is the beginning of the new me. I watched Ruby today and it made me sad...I can relate to her not wanting to let go of the old Ruby. I have been fat for a very long time and its who I am, its my protection sometimes from the outside world. I know I have to do this to save my life.

No exercising this week

So this week I am teaching Vacation Bible School. It has been fun, stressful & tiring. Thank God for the playground at church. It was sooo wonderful to let the kids just run and play, not worry about them hurting each other. It was like a peaceful refuge. I am so completely drained by the time I get home, I could sleep standing up. So, I am not exercising any this week. I just can't find the energy to do anything when I get home. I think I am still doing good with my weight though. My pants are super baggy. My scale says 220, but I don't trust it. I want to believe it really...but its always different than the one at the docs office.
Andy told me today that he will prolly be deploying next April. I know it has to happen. Its so easy to say I will be fine, but when he leaves...I lose it for some reason. Like I can't function. I am going to plan better this next time. Have a list of things to do to stay busy. Fear & worry are a sin afterall. If I have to put sticky notes all over my house with scripture on them, that IS what I will do to get through it.

I won't make apologies

I have found that alot of people support my decision to have WLS. Maybe they would never have it themselves, but they are still positive and encouraging to me. Thank God for those people. I don't take rejection well or people who think they are always right and don't hesitate to tell you. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. But if you really love and care about someone I think you should be an encouragement to them. Its funny to me that people who have made their mind up not to have WLS seem to be the most informed. Not the doctors, not the specialists...nope all that is apparently hogwash to some. THEY are the ones who know it all. The doctors are lieing when they tell you that you have a higher risk of dieing in a plane crash than dieing from WLS, the doctors are lieing when they tell you that you are in the overly obese catagory...I could go on and on. Some say doctors are in it to make money, that is not the case where I am concerned. My doctor is not a civilian, he gets paid a lump sum no matter how many surgeries he does. And he is a surgeon who specializes in WLS and does other kinds of surgery. So this is not a money racket for him.
Isn't it strange how the same people who would tell you WLS is bad and you shouldn't have it..or not support you are the same people who think its perfectly fine for a woman to have an abortion. Why is that? Its my body...right? And its not even close to murdering an innocent life.
I will not apologize for having WLS. I have worked very very hard to research this, go to support group meetings since last year, meet with specialists, and follow the directions of my surgeon.
I wish people would support my decision. It hurts when some people who are close to you can't be encouraging, only hurtful about the whole topic.

Running out of steam

I think it finally hit me today...all of my working out the past 2 weeks and lack of caffiene is making me so run down. I think I couldve fallen asleep at a disco. I am getting lots of encouragement from hubby and my kids though. I have a doctors appointment every day next week, plus the kids are starting up karate again and I am getting ready for Vacation Bible School.
I just think Im tired today...right?

The busy life of a fat girl

Whoever reads my blog must know that I refer to myself as the fat girl...with love and affection, not to demean myself or anyone else.
Ok, that being said I have a slew of doctors appointments over the next few weeks. Some are in preparation for my surgery and some are to rule out some nerve damage that I may have and/or lasting effects of lyme disease. I told hubby that he may not see me much with all of my appointments. We live out in the boonies and so when I go "to town" its like it takes over an hour of driving time and I usually make the most of my trips. I will go by the library, the video store, grocery store, etc. I love being out in the country but being so far away from everything can stink sometimes.
I am doing good with my workouts. Dr. B said that I need to work up to 45 minutes per day. Currently I am at 30 minutes a day. I have been doing Sweatin to the Oldies and alternating it with Wii fit. But today I went to the gym and rode the bike for 30 minutes...whew. I was feeling it.

Good News/Bad News

Its been a while since I have come back to blog. I should more often, it sooo helps just to get things out. On the bright side, I FINALLY got the call for my appointment with the weight loss surgeon! I went a few weeks ago and had perma-smile on my face the entire time. I think they could have said they needed all my blood and I would have just shook my head smiling like a big dummy. I like my doctor, he seems really nice. Now I am just waiting until the first part of June to get my psych evaluation done and my nutrition appointment done. Then I can call and meet with the doctor one more time and have my surgery scheduled. woot! He said that I have to start giving up caffiene, carbonated drinks and fried foods. I have been doing great for 2 weeks! And I have started exercising every day. (((thank you Richard Simmons)))

Onto the bad news....hubby called tonight from work and said that his boss told him to be prepared for a possible deployment around September. gaaahhhhhh! I want to scream. I want to pull someones hair. I want to punch something. I love Navy life....all is good when he is home. But when he's gone I feel like my heart is just constantly hurting. We have been married 18 years and I feel like I am a newly wed most of the time. I love him...I adore him, he is my best friend. I pray for patience and not to give in to anxiety and fear.

Bein fat stinks

I wish the waiting list number would change already on the stupid website already. I know I know, the ONE girl who does scheduling for surgery has been on leave. Well, its been a freaking month already...when is she coming back??? I am so tired of being tired, not able to exercise, not able to even put a pair of tennis shoes on, not being able to get out of my huge bathtub without pulling something in my back. I just want to feel good again. Is that too much to ask? (insert violin music). I am tired of taking 7 pills in the morning and another 5 at night. Gagging and almost throwing them up. Niiiiccce, right?
On top of all this, I really really wannnnttttt my hubby home. I miss him so much, and our children have been bratty since he left. You know they were angels before, right? I guess Im just blaming it on him being gone, cause he is the toughy parent and Im the wimpy parent. Tonight Dalton tells me he needs crutches, and then asks our neighbors who cooked for us if they have any he can borrow...ummm no. The last deployment we went through a billion years ago, I would sit and eat boxes of little debbies. no kidding. thats prolly how i got so fat. nahhh I will blame that on having babies.
Oh I need to go to bed and get off my whiney horse.

Weight Loss Surgery

I have thought about having weight loss surgery (gastric bypass) for a while now. Actually I would think about it and then back away from it. Well, recently at a doctor visit I was told that I have a very very high chance of getting diabetes since my dad and brother had it. And also the big kicker is that my brother just passed away from a heart attack and my dad also had heart disease before he died. I feel like this is life or death now. And I am not about to let death win.
I went to an orientation meeting at the hospital for surgery candidates. I was all pumped up about it until they went over everything that you can wave buh bye to as far as eating goes. Rice, pasta, steak, pork (too chewy from what they said). Theres alot more to the list. I was deflated. How unrealisitic is this anyway?? Food is my love. I won't deny it. Its like crack..I love to smell it, cook it, taste it. Heck, I read cookbooks for fun. I have even tossed around the idea of going to culinary school.
So, I thought while I am on the NINE month waiting list for surgery, I will attempt everything humanly possible to take this stupid weight monster off my back. I have been seeing a personal trainer at the gym for a few days now. Her name is Angela and she is like this super excited pixie that just can't wait to see you again to kick your butt. She seems all sweet and innocent, like we are only going to do X amount of these arm exercises, piece of cake right? Yah right. I didn't hurt until last night. I thought I had the flippin flu, I hurt allllll over. Head to toe. Sneaky woman.
I hope this works. I am giving myself 6 months to see an improvement. To get below 200 pounds. Thats only 24 pounds in 6 months. If this doesn't work....I guess its gastric bypass city baybee.